I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
