...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
did i walk over a car last night?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
