is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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