i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
