I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
