even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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