did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
