Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
