My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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