my phone needs a breathalizer
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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