i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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