I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
