Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
