I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize