I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
