I wanna bring you to show and tell
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
