I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize