my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
