I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
barbara walters just said penis...
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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