So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
