She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
