Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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