Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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