My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
zippers are such a cool invention
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
