cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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