That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
