Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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