Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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