I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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