She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
