My balls are so social today.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
