can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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