Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
