And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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