Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
