His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wish you could order shots online.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
