we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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