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You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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