dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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