i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
