maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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