Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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