i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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