the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My vagina is officially offended.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
