Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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