My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
