Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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