I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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