Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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