I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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