Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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