Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
