If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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