I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You have to summon your inner elephant
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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