yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
