I smell stomach acid.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
