So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
