Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
